I've always had a terrible sneaking suspicion that my family doesn't really need me. I'm not equipped for motherhood, having grown up as a neglected and abused child. How could I possibly know how to nurture and grow a child when I never experienced that myself?
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Grieving My Narcissistic Mother
I've been in a funk now for a while. More than a funk, really--more than just the blues or feeling down in the dumps. And more than just a while. I really think it started around Mother's Day this past May.
For many years I struggled with buying a Mother's Day card for my mother. I couldn't buy one that showered her with praises for her extraordinary maternal virtues or gushed with my undying gratitude and love for her, because frankly that would have been dishonest. If Hallmark made a card that said, "Happy Mother's Day...Thanks for not actually killing me," that would have been perfect. But I didn't have that problem this year, or last year either for that matter, because I no longer have any contact with my family of origin. Haven't had in 1 year, 2 months, and three weeks, in fact. But who's counting?
For many years I struggled with buying a Mother's Day card for my mother. I couldn't buy one that showered her with praises for her extraordinary maternal virtues or gushed with my undying gratitude and love for her, because frankly that would have been dishonest. If Hallmark made a card that said, "Happy Mother's Day...Thanks for not actually killing me," that would have been perfect. But I didn't have that problem this year, or last year either for that matter, because I no longer have any contact with my family of origin. Haven't had in 1 year, 2 months, and three weeks, in fact. But who's counting?
Who I Am: Homeschooled, Part Four
Time to get off my soapbox and back to my story.
In my second year out of public school, we truly moved into the homeschooling world. This wasn't the plan when my parents pulled me out of the local school system--I don't think they anticipated the events that unfolded over the summer of 1986 that led to the shift from our church ACE school to homeschooling. In retrospect, I suspect my mother was not happy with this development and the resulting infringement upon her free time.
In my second year out of public school, we truly moved into the homeschooling world. This wasn't the plan when my parents pulled me out of the local school system--I don't think they anticipated the events that unfolded over the summer of 1986 that led to the shift from our church ACE school to homeschooling. In retrospect, I suspect my mother was not happy with this development and the resulting infringement upon her free time.
Who I Am: Homeschooled, Part Three
So when did it all start to go wrong? At what point did the last tattered remnants of normalcy unravel in my family, revealing the rot and decay that festered beneath? As I reflect on my childhood, I think the potential for and the early growth of the spiritual and emotional canker that plagued us was established long before my family joined the fundamentalist Baptist community, but becoming fundy and moving into the homeschooling universe certainly accelerated the decay.
Who I Am: Homeschooled, Part One
Last week, I discovered a new blog titled, "Homeschoolers Anonymous." Ah ha, I thought gleefully, Finally the stories are coming out in full force. Though I've spent many years reflecting on my homeschooling experience, first-hand accounts from others who grew up in the classroom of the Religious Right have until this point been largely scattered across the blogosphere in personal blogs or those that focus on related issues, such as fundamentalism, Gothardism, or Quiverfull beliefs.
Reading the stories that have been composed for and gathered from other blogs at Homeschoolers Anonymous has been eye-opening and at times incredibly validating. But I've also felt exasperated, resentful, and filled with sorrow upon reading some of the entries.
Reading the stories that have been composed for and gathered from other blogs at Homeschoolers Anonymous has been eye-opening and at times incredibly validating. But I've also felt exasperated, resentful, and filled with sorrow upon reading some of the entries.
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